PERSONAL EXPERIENCES 3

MISCARRIAGES.

I have had three miscarriages on my journey through motherhood. The first was my second conception and I didn't even know that I was pregnant until I had a very big bleed one night. I wasn't sure if it was just a very heavy period or a miscarriage. I had this amazing dream though, that I was standing in my hallway and could see out onto the road and a hearse with a tiny coffin in it was driving slowly by and a woman was walking next to the hearse crying and she looked up at me and I knew a baby had died. The next day I went to the hospital which was a waste of time as there was nothing anyone could do. I don't remember grieving the loss or being very upset other than for a couple of days after the event. My good friend also was moving interstate that very same day so I think there was a mixture of grief. I did get that the baby was a boy and his name was Benjamin.

My next miscarriage was very different. This was my fifth conception and was a funny pregnancy..not the usual sort of feelings and bodily changes. At 12 weeks we started to tell people as we thought we were over the initial period when you do tend to lose babies. I felt strange telling people but didn't know why. Then I started to have some bleeding. My midwife ordered me off my feet to rest. I did this for five days as I bled and I quilted to distract myself from my thoughts.Then one night I had intense pains like labour pains and I tried to ignore them and the more I did the more they hurt. So I started to breath through them, like a labour. I had a strong urge to go to the toilet where I concentrated on letting go and out popped the sac with the tiny fetus inside. It felt like I had just given birth and there was the same excitement so I called my husband and son and showed them...its a baby! They both went queasy ...not a good idea. I found the experience amazingly beautiful. This time I didn't go to the hospital and recuperated at home. We named the baby Darcy Davina as I got that she was a girl. We gathered together and did a ceremony honouring the spirit of the baby and we planted the fetus in with Leteisha's ashes with some beautiful pink and orange gerberas. Then celebrated with afternoon tea.
I conceived again shorty after Darcy's pregnancy and again waited 12 weeks before telling people and this time only told close friends. At 17 weeks I started to have a bleed, just mild spotting this time, which can be common in pregnancy. At 18 weeks my midwife came and used a Doplar machine to see if we could get a heartbeat, but we didn't. My 20 week ultrasound appointment was only a week away so I chose to wait. I thought that if I was going to miscarry something dramatic would happen, but nothing did. We went for our ultrasound appointment and it was confirmed that the baby was dead and had been for awhile.We spent the weekend trying natural methods to bring on the miscarry but to no avail and the following week I ended up in hospital having a D&C procedure. The doctors and staff were pretty amazing and I asked to keep the remains of the baby to take home. At first this request nearly turned into a bureaucratic nightmare but the Doctor doing the procedure had common sense and said that I could take the remains with me straight after the operation rather than going through the system. As I was coming out of the operation a nurse handed me a small paper bag and said " here is your baby" and then tucked it into my arms like I was being presented with a full term baby. That single act made the whole process a good experience. I went home and we did a small ceremony with just our family and buried the baby's remains in the same pot with Leteisha and Darcy. This baby was also a girl and I named her Clarissa. This experience really rocked me and I was finding it hard to deal with. Some friends were getting married in the country on their farm so I went on my own to have a break. The morning before the Wedding Ceremony I went into the bush and sat on a rocky out crop and looked at the sky and cried and asked; Why me? Why do I have to keep dealing with grief? I have had enough? I t is not fair? and so on. Then for the Wedding Ceremony we walked through the paddocks up to a sacred site where the vows were to be said. My friends' cows followed us up and as we were waiting I noticed that one cow had afterbirth still visible and I thought that she had just given birth when someone said that it had been a stillborn. I burst into tears and then I got it as clear as day....THIS IS LIFE! COWS MISCARRY! PEOPLE MISCARRY! LIFE AND DEATH ENTWINED! THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!<>
I felt a great sense of relief after that moment. It still didn't take away my pain but it definitely eased it.

I conceived again after that pregnancy and had two beautiful babies Michael and Ruby....life had come full circle yet again. It finally felt complete. The cow also went on to conceive.

These experiences have shown me how important it is to honour each and every death and for me, to create rituals which help to acknowledge and move on from those experiences in order to be able to heal the pain and grief. Also to honour every spirit that comes to this world even for the briefest time and thank it for its presence in our life.