PERSONAL EXPERIENCES WITH DEATH AND DYING PART 1.

CORMACS' DEATH.
Cormac was my younger brother who had Cerebral Palsy from his birth, and was severely physically disabled because of this condition. I think my parents were told that he would not have a very long life expectancy due to the extremity of his disability. He had a great life and very warped sense of humour. His care and needs placed a great deal of strain on our family unit, as did the shame associated with having a disabled child. He lived at home until he was 16/17 years old and then went into care, firstly just for weekends and then for the week. He slowly got more and more scoliosis which started to create health issues for him. From the time that he was about 18years old he started to have funny breathing spells which meant he was rushed to hospital, for short stays and required treatment for respiratory problems. These spells become closer and closer and every time I expected the worse. The last time I went to visit him at the nursing home was to see him before I was to go interstate for a holiday for 6 weeks. As I finished the visit and started to leave the room he become quite upset and cried, I told him that I loved him and left feeling torn. In hindsight I think he knew that that would be our last time together. He had another breathing spell and ended up in hospital with pneumonia. He died in hospital alone on the day that I was due to fly out. I was lucky enough to have been able to have enough time to go and view his body at the hospital morgue before I flew out.I think this made his death real for me and gave me some sense of closure. I chose not to stay for the funeral. My grief did not set in until I returned home and found his death very difficult, being the first person close to me other than grandparents. His death did however set me on a path of self discovery and wanting to understand spirituality more...to find some meaning.
CORNELIAS' DEATH.
Cornelia was my mother who died at the very young age of 53 years. She died five years after the death of Cormac. She had been battling (literally) with cancer of the bowel and then secondary cancer of the spine for years. She had all of the medical treatment and many stays in a variety of hospitals. She was very determined to live and fought to the end. In the last stages of the cancer when we knew it was terminal I was pregnant with my first child and my two aunties (her sisters) stepped in and took on the management of her health care. Mum protected my brother and I a lot and wouldnt lead on to how much pain she was actually in. She was still alive when my son was born, and stayed around for my brothers wedding and hung in there for christmas but not long into the new year she died. She was in hospital and we all rallied around and stayed with her. She came from a large family so all of her brothers and sisters were visiting. She laboured for 4 days and it was advised that we all stop visiting so she could die. The theory being that she was hanging on for everyone. I could see this was true but it was still the hardest thing I have ever done is to say goodbye and tell her that I wasnt coming back to see her and that she needed to get on with dying.How wrong that is when I think about it...it is like inducing a woman into labour because someone has determined that a baby should come early. Anyway she died that evening alone in a hospital. I went and saw her at the hospital after she had passed. I never really got to discuss what she wanted in regards to funerals...all I knew is that she wanted to be cremated and inturned into the grave with her parents and Cormac, and she wanted apricot roses. So with all of the family politics over her eulogy and everything else I managed to organise a funeral with apricot roses. I remember wanting to wear bright colours as a way of celebrating her life and I read a poem at the service. It was a lovely funeral.We also went and viewed her body at the funeral home and she looked beautiful but somehow sureal.
I found her death very difficult and hard, mostly because i had just become a mother myself and was quite angry that she abandonded me at this time.
PETERS' DEATH.
Peter was my father who also died young at age 57years and five years after my mother. They had been seperated since Cormac had died and my relationship with him had become strained. I had had my second child a baby girl and had discontinued contact with Dad when I was pregnant with her. So he had not met her. He had been getting involved with some weird Spiritual stuff and I knew he had gone to Egypt. I received a phone call out of the blue from a woman who I had never met saying that he was in hospital with a brain tumour and it was terminal and I should go and see him. I seriously thought that this was a bad joke.I rang the hospital and found out that it was true and they advised me that he potentially had only 6-8 weeks to live.So I took my whole family to see him.His brother and sister came over to spend time with him and he chose not to opt for any medical intervention. He chose alternative methods instead. The medical interventions were only going to prolong his life for a short time so after witnessing mums prolonged death I supported his choices.He went and did everything he wanted to do before he died.We spoke openly about what he wanted for his funeral arrangements and I admire his acceptance of his luming death. When on his death bed I only managed to visit him briefly as I had my baby daughter with me.I told him that I loved him even though we never truly resolved our issues. He had a good friend by his side when he died in hospital. He wanted to just be cremated so we bought the cheapest(still expensive) casket and held a viewing at the funeral home. He looked sureal and cold...I didnt like it. Once he had been cremated and I had his ashes I organised a simple ceremony done by the river near his favourite diving spot. One of his friends built a small yacht and we poured his ashes into it and set it off into the river and watched it sink. His friends(mostly ex-girlfriends/ all blonde) toasted him with champagne and that was it. It felt good for me because I knew exactly what he wanted and could deliver that for him. We were probably more in line spiritually in our beliefs and I admire how he handled his own death. He didnt seem to fear it and managed to embrace it.

INTENT

As expressed in my profile most of my immediate family is deceased. I have one brother still living who I have very little contact with and a half sister who I have never met(different sort of grief attached to this one) I thought that I would briefly outline my experiences of each of these family deaths as each one was so very different and hence my reactions were very different. From each of these experiences though I have gleaned a variety of perspectives of death and dying.They have also moulded who I am today and led me to this place where I want to create a space where information can be shared and peoples access to this information at a time of grief can be made easier.
- I will be reviewing books on the subject of home death, death doulas, and do-it-yourself funerals.
-I will be creating links to the relevant Legislation and paperwork involved in undertaking your own funeral, specific to Western Australia.
-Presenting information related to the Natural Death Movement which has been around for years in England and the United States but of which Australia is yet to embrace. I know it is happening at the grassroots and that there are people in Australia creating organisations , lobbying for natural burial sites,tending to their deceased loved ones at home and performing their own funerals.
-I would also like to hear from anyone who has anything to share on the topic so that we can create an information network.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

The main theme in my life thus far has been the birth, life, death, rebirth cycle or the circle of life. It has created and moulded my life experiences and is a big part of who I am. It is these experiences which have led me to creating this blog and all that I will express within it. Grief has become a very familiar and old friend, one that I know intrinsically. It is from this place that I have developed a desire to find out more about how we can care for our dying in a more natural way and reclaim the process of tending to the dead. Thus,placing that role back into the family and the community, with a vision of creating a more healing and enriching experience for all involved.
I have been a strong advocate for home birth and birthed all of my children at home. This experience has been profound for myself, my family and community.I now believe that the essence of the home birth experience could be infused into the experience of death.Both of these experiences are rites of passage that transform us. They are times when we enter the veil and walk between the worlds...when we are stripped of all of our masks and reborn into a new form.

"Here is the circle of rebirth.Through You all passes out of life, but through Me all may be reborn again. Everything passes; everything changes. Even death is not eternal. Mine is the mystery of the womb, that is the cauldron of rebirth. Enter into Me and know Me, and You will be free of all fear. For as life is but a journey into death, so death is but a passage back to life, and in Me the circle is ever turning." (STARHAWK, 'The Spiral Dance'19